I was thinking more about mindfulness today when I for the first time in a long time, I got angry this morning. Anger isn't something that I feel that often, it really just takes a lot to make me mad. I'm kinda like
David Banner that way. Maybe because I don't get angry often, that when I do, it feels so overwhelming and there's a certain selfishness to it. Getting angry feels good, doesn't it? Even though, I realized quickly that anger doesn't serve much of a purpose unless you're defending your family from a bunch of predators. I was trying to be good at being mindful, understand my feelings, process them, but something still felt good about being angry.
It's cathartic, but not in the venting way that some people think is important, but in that way of absolving yourself of any kind of responsibility and lashing out in pure hate. When you're angry, even if you're angry at yourself, it blocks out most of your other thoughts, it lets you focus on just what you're angry at. That's why it's useful in a fight or flight situation, and probably why it's not useful in almost any other situation. It felt good to give in to the Dark Side, it felt good to be clean for once and have my emotion be purely angry at something else. Then I get angry at myself for letting myself get angry in the first place and it circles around and gets deeper. No matter how righteous anger feels, it still doesn't give you any answers. It just makes you wallow in it, it's a good feeling for a few moments and then when the physical reaction subsides, you're back to reality.
I'm thinking of mindfulness like
"the hidden observer" during hypnosis, the supposed unhypnotized part of the brain. You know what I'm talking about because you've probably felt it when you're drunk. The observer is there, but maybe the voice isn't as loud in your head as it should be. People make bad decisions, but I think they know why or how they make them. They know the "right" thing to do, but they don't really care bceause they're wasted. But you know the right thing to do, it just doesn't seem as appetizing at the moment. Giving into my anger, even for a short time, was a bad decision. Why? Because giving in doesn't let me channel it, doesn't let me use it. It doesn't make any outcome besides a painful one. There's things in this world that we can't control, but we let them control us when we allow them to make us feel differently than we decide to.
Think of the what you need. If we don't physically need it to survive, then it's a luxury, it's a preference. When our luxuries or our preferences control how we feel, then we've given too much of our own power away and our lives become worse because of it. We're letting someone else decide how we feel.
Fuck that. I'm working on mindfulness, it just takes a little bit to fine-tune, I guess.